Abandon Film

It's not often that I'll give up on a film. I'm the eternal Movie Optimist; I can almost always find something to like about even the worst films.
But sometimes a film will defeat me.

Kingdom of Heaven - 2005, Ridely Scott
I almost regret not sitting through this one, and one day I might try again because I didn't even make it as far as Edward Norton who I like a lot. I watched the first hour or so on the TV recently, I'm not even sure which version I was watching; the original (and derided) cinematic version or the supposedly much more coherent director's cut (good old Ridely and his director's cuts). It's too easy to blame Orlando Bloom for KOH, even if he is woefully miscast. I don't mean to knock the guy, but there is a definite place for Orlando in the Cinematic world, and the lead role in historical epics is not it. I think the reason I so disliked KOH was because I so adore Troy. Orlando's performance in Troy is awful (along with Eric Bana's) but the whole thing is just the right level of camp for it to work. KOH also has an ensemble cast of famous 'great' actors, but it takes itself very seriously. If you get a load of well respected British actors to grow beards and dress up like knights to deliver po faced performances, it had better be Shakespeare, else it could easily be rubbish.

I'm Not There - 2007, Todd Haynes
I can handle pretentious bullshit, sometimes I even like it, but four/five actors all playing 'Bob Dylan' with varying degrees of self satisfaction was too much. A bunch of famous actors sitting around talking out of their arses may actually be the best way to represent the life and works of Dylan, but it ain't half boring.

10,000 BC - 2008, Ronald Emmerich
It was a while ago that I watched/abandoned this one and I have almost no memory of it, which is a surprise because I normally have a good memory for film (in place of being able to remember useful things). Something to do with cavemen mumbling to each other about someone who was kidnapped, and maybe a dinosaur. The action sequences were very boring and very expensive looking. It must be a massive disappointment for a director (and his financial backers) to watch the sequences he so carefully storyboarded, shot, and CGI-ed to the max, only to realise that the final shot is desperately uninteresting. 'Oh no' they must cry, 'This is meant to be the good bit'.
Some of Ronald's early low budget West German sci-fi films look quite interesting though.

Rocket Science - 2007, Jeffery Blitz
Soulless Indie Comedy by the numbers.

The Zombie Diaries - 2006, Kevin Bates and Michael Bartlett
Stop getting the Zombie Apocalypse wrong!
I love zombie films and the whole Dawn of The Dead zombie scenario in general. In fact, I sometimes fantasise about the dead rising and society falling. I'd relish the zombie Apocalypse, I think I could make it. For this reason I hate it when characters in zombie films start screwing up. I enjoyed The Walking Dead series on FX recently, but I still get annoyed when they get angry and shout at each other. Stop making so much noise. Stop wasting ammo. How could you not notice that zombie slowly staggering toward you?...and so forth. The Zombie Diaries is full of such stuff, but there was something else that put me off. TZD is a low budget British film (something to be applauded and supported) made with (I assume) amateur actors. At least I hope they were amateurs because they were all awful. This is the problem I have with home grown super-low-budget film; bad British actors seem worse than bad actors from other countries because I'm so used to British accents that I can easily tell when someone is 'acting' because it sounds staged and insincere (like the actors on Hollyoaks). Bad acting in non domestic films doesn't seem so bad to me because it's unfamiliar and so doesn't seem so obviously like acting. I suppose a zombie film where everyone creeps around in silence and never loses their heads might not be much fun to watch though.

50th Post Guest Blog

It’s Been A Long Time General has reached the half century! To mark the occasion I present the first of a few ‘guest blogs’ First up, the esteemed Tom Pattison.

So Pete generously has given me quite a lot of leeway for the format. I thought I would offer my thoughts on two films. One that is not considered a 'classic' that I adore and another which is considered a 'classic' that I abhor (see what I did there?). So I'll start with a film few would consider anything special that I dearly love:

Reasons I should hate this film: It is a shameless cash in on the TV popularity of the lead star; It is an arguably unnecessary retelling of a story already portrayed many times before; The director's CV includes such prestigious works as The Sweetest Thing, Just Friends and Furry Vengeance.
Guessed it yet?

Cruel Intentions (1999, directed by Roger Kumble)

I first saw this film on what turned out to be quite an unusual trip to a tiny cinema screen in Bowness. It was slightly odd thanks to the make up of the group; two friends and my sister. I made it my policy during my teenage years to keep my hormone ravaged friends at a safe distance from my blonde, older sister.
On this occasion an exception was made due to a mutual desire to drool - the object of my sister's affection was the admittedly handsome Ryan Phillipe and it will come as no surprise that for three impressionable adolescent boys in 1999 the chance to see Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a sex obsessed femme fatale was one we dare not miss. Our motives then were entirely indecent and the quality of the film was frankly a very minor side issue.

Imagine my shock then when the film turned out to be really quite good, actually scratch that, bloody fantastic. I knew my estimations had been offensively low within the first few minutes. The opening shots of Manhattan from the air, following the Jaguar whilst Bryan Molko declares 'sucker love is heaven sent, you pucker up our passions spent' is superb and really sets the tone for the film. It will come as no surprise to regular readers of my blog that soundtrack is a big deal to me (my two favourite films of the last decade Cidade de Deus and Juno are testament to the fact). This film has an absolutely belting soundtrack which is used effectively to enhance each key point of the film - Colorblind by Counting Crows perfectly encapsulates the melancholic regret of the guilt-ravaged Sebastian and Bitter Sweet Symphony is the perfect accompaniment to the unveiling of Kathryn's meticulously manufactured public fraud. This film is unfortunately remembered by many for the lesbian kiss between Gellar and Blair.

This is certainly a necessary scene but the frat-boy approach at the time of MTV amongst others really overshadowed the film as a whole. Unfairly so as the film features some terrific performances; Phillipe is magnificent in his portrayal of Sebastian's uncomfortable transition from heartless rich boy to caring lover and Gellar is comparably good in reflecting Kathryn's unwillingness to accept it. The supporting cast also deserve recognition; especially the always excellent Joshua Jackson as Sebastian's deliciously caustic gay accomplice. You will no doubt remember Jackson as Pacy Witter in Dawson's Creek but you might not know that he was amongst a small group of actors considered for the role in Batman Begins which of course went to Christian Bale. The screenplay is tight and almost has a Shakespearean influence as the characters interactions are often short, witty, one-liners. The exchanges between Gellar and Phillipe are delivered with such relish it was clearly a script the actors enjoyed delivering. Another interesting factor to the film is the off-screen relationship of Phillipe and Witherspoon who were married at the time and very much viewed as the up and coming golden couple in Tinseltown. I am loathe to reveal too much of the script but the intimate scenes featuring the two far from being tittilating are remarkably tender.

Anyway I'm beginning to babble which is incredibly rude given this is someone else's blog so I will move on. To summarise, if you've never considered watching Cruel Intentions then do - it's excellent. As for the straight to DVD sequels, avoid like the plague.

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Reasons I should like this film: It received overwhelmingly positive reviews from many critics and friends who's opinion I respect; It stars a lead actor who's performances I have truly enjoyed in the past; It focuses on a period of history and subject matter I have a keen interest in.

What film do I speak of that I fully expected to love but would rather attend Anfield than sit through again?

There Will Be Blood (2007, directed by Paul Thomas Anderson)
Daniel Day Lewis is a frustrating actor - he is undoubtedly brilliant and his performances in My Left Foot and Gangs of New York mean he is rightly regarded as one of the best in his business. Where my frustration lies is his limited output; I love the Walkens, Pescis and Buscemis of this world who believe variety is the spice of life and see no shame in appearing in Billy Madison or Home Alone after Goodfellas and Reservoir Dogs.

Day Lewis has cultivated a mystique of only appearing in special motion pictures. However this is not why I have no time for TWBB. The reason I loathe this film is it is utterly consumed by belief in its own brilliance. Hubris is perhaps a hyperbolic description but after the first hour, as the pace dragged along, as shots lingered far longer than would be necessary under any circumstances I couldn't escape the feeling that I was expected to feel privileged and savour each minute of footage that I have been lucky enough to sit through. The script was laboured, the direction was self-indulgent and the performances were outrageously hammy. The oft-quoted 'bring me my milkshake' deservedly being derided by some as the nadir of this laborious chore of a movie. I could well be wrong for two reasons; perhaps it was actually a wonderful piece of parody of 'worthy' Oscar vehicles, or maybe I'm simply too stupid and uncouth to 'get' TWBB. But get it I did not. Day Lewis is a wonderful actor and perhaps the best thing that could happen was the failure of the similarly dreadful Nine, I believe he is an incredibly gifted character actor and hope he returns with something of the quality of Last of the Mohicans.

Similarly Anderson is a capable film-maker who deservedly received acclaim for the daring Magnolia and Boogie Nights. I just hope they steer well clear of one another. To return to my earlier derision of the mystique of Day Lewis, I firmly believe this to be the driving reason behind the fawning critical reception There Will Be Blood enjoyed.

Thanks again to Pete for inviting me to blog and please visit my own blog at listenwithdanger.blogspot.com for music reviews.

The Kingdom

The Kingdom – 2007, Peter Berg

I’ve seen a handful of ‘Post Iraq Invasion’ films recently including Syriana (2005), Green Zone (2010) and Body of Lies (2008).

The general consensus would be that The Kingdom is the least praiseworthy of all these films, but I disagree. Each of these films is about American interests in the Middle East and the conflict and terrorism that take place because of them. They are all well worth a watch but none are perfect.

Syriana isn’t as clever as it thinks it is and Green Zone is actually a very unhealthy fantasy about some guys in the brief post-invasion/pre-occupation period in Iraq, guys who knew an insurgency was imminent and tried to stop it, but they were stopped by the suits in Washington who had a political agenda. Matt Damon spends the first half of the film banging on about WMDs (or lack of them), and the second half trying to stop the insurgency before it starts. It’s a war film that’s told retrospectively by the guy’s who kind of won, pretending that maybe they almost got it right. Unwholesome in my opinion.

It’s been too long since I saw Body of Lies but I seem to remember enjoying it.

But back to The Kingdom. Actor turned Producer/Director Peter Berg’s resume is full of films and TV shows you may have seen but were never very impressed by, so The Kingdom is perhaps his stand out work (though I’ve not seen Friday Night Lights).
The Kingdom is a thriller set in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia in the wake of a terrorist attack on an American compound. Jamie Foxx leads the cast but don’t let that put you off. The first half of the film plays out like a detective story, then for the final act it ascends (or descends depending upon your opinion) into a prolonged action sequence where the good guys never reload and the bad guys can’t shoot for shit.

As a man who’s sat through more than a few action films you can take it from me that as these things go, The Kingdom does its’ action sequences very well. How Peter Berg went on to make such a mess of the second half of Hancock is a mystery.

Big Man Japan / Audition

Big Man Japan – 2007(JPN), 2009(UK), Hitoshi Matsumoto
Sometimes I see a trailer for a film and I think ‘I gotta watch that shit’

And afterwards I realise it could never have lived up to expectations.
Big Man Japan plays out a lot more slowly than I expected.
But the climax was completely unexpected and absolutely hilarious.

This film was written and directed by a Japanese comedian who plays the lead. For a reason I can’t explain, I really want to like Japanese comedy, but it just doesn’t translate. The funniest thing to come out of Japan is Takeshi’s Castle, and that’s not scripted. Why do Japanese horror films travel better than Japanese comedy? Because being scared shitless is universal.

Audition – 1999(JPN), 2001(UK), Takashi Miike
Sometimes I hear so much about a film that I think ‘I gotta watch that shit’

And afterwards I realise it could never have lived up to expectations.
Audition played out just as slowly as I expected.
But I expected more from the climax, only because I’d heard so much about it.

Why was Ringu remade in Hollywood and not Audition? Because Ringu is about a scary little girl, something we are familiar with (The Exorcist) and Audition is about a woman who tortures men to death.

Ringu started the whole ‘Scary little Japanese Girl/Young Woman’ craze, and is the reason the genre exists, but Takashi Miike’s Audition was only released a year later.

But why Ringu? Because Ringu does what Audition does, only better; slowly, slowly lures you in, revealing that you might be in store for something...preparing you...but no matter how prepared you are you still won’t be ready.

Horror films are a ‘love them or hate them’ thing, but I think being terrified by a film is underrated. Fear is uncomfortable, and discomfort reminds us we are alive. Horror films provide fear in a controlled environment. The most recent horror film I saw was the Spanish film [REC], which is also very good.